I walk around trying to please all
Never letting a perspective fall
Farther from the happy girl that used to be
A Busy little working bee
Working, working endlessly
Sporadically, inner thoughts will return to me
Trying to drowned out notions of my demise
"Where am I?"
My inner voices begins to cry
When will this roller coaster ride subside
What is the point of go, go, going
When I am already gone?

Hello Friends,

It is almost 12:00AM here in Portland and I of course cannot sleep... So I thought that now would be a good time write something in my blog. However, I am having a hard time figuring out what I should write about. Does this ever happen to anyone else out there? My days seem a little too boring to torture someone else with the tediousness of them. Bloggers, what do you write about when there is nothing really worth sharing?

Hello to my fellow bloggers. I cannot believe that it has been so long since I last wrote.

Anyways, the last few months/year has been really crazy. I started a new job. I teach 2nd and 3rd grade at a small private school. The school that I am teaching at is supposed to be an inclusion school (a school where student with special needs are educated in the same classrooms as typical students). This sounds really great, however, the classroom that I teach in all but one of the students are classified with having special needs. I have very limited Special Ed training (a few courses in college). Needless to say the first half of the year was extremely stressful. I lost twenty pounds and was having a hard time sleeping. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and as you might imagine things were not perfect. Students were crumbling assignments, throwing whatever they could find, biting and hitting me, and a principle that would reward this type of behavior (honestly she would give them candy to "calm them down..." ) On top of all of this, I had one parent who was very determined to make me feel incompetent (trust me I really didn't need his help in this area).

Looking back, I honestly can't believe that I have made it this far into the year. However I am very proud that I did. Change has come at a slightly pace slower than I would have liked however it did come. I don't know if I could even pinpoint a turning point. My classroom is by no means perfect, however, it really is amazing to see how much progress everyone has made since the beginning of the year. I know that I am fast forwarding quite a bit, but today I have five students who come in each morning excited to learn. No more crumbled school work, hitting, or biting. No more candy from the principle. No more parents who are counting down the days until my demise. I would like think that part of the reason the boys were able to grow so much is the standards that I set for my class was similar to that of typical students. It is really rather exciting to see how much progress they have made! I am incredibly proud of each and every one of my students. Who knows, Lord willing, I might just stick around for another year...

Hayley

Recently I made a huge leap (or maybe it was a fall... I'm not really sure yet) and moved in with my boyfriend. To be honest, I don't think I ever really wanted to move in with him. More than anything I think that I just felt pressured and have I don't really like the thought of being alone again. I am twenty-six years old and sadly he is really my first boyfriend. I know that this is going to sound cheesy, but it is nice to have someone you know that you can talk to at the end of the day. Anyways, I didn't ever really want to move in with him and I did (and things are not really going well). We have been arguing more and more lately. He is so bull-headed sometimes it can be very aggravating!
Today, when I came home I could tell that he was very upset with me. He was scowling, stomping and throwing things every which way. I asked him repeatedly what was wrong. He would say, "Nothing!" as he stomped away.

Finally, he exploded, "I just don't like coming home to a f-ing pigsty."

Quietly I started to clean (I would be lying if I told you that things were not messy or that I didn't know that he likes things to be insanely clean... this isn't the first time he has blown up at me for being a little messy). After we were done cleaning I apologized for letting things get so messy and then tried suggesting that we come up with a schedule to help keep things tidy. He said, "Yeah, that's not going to help."

"So you are just going to keep blowing up at me once a week for not being clean enough and we are not going to even try to solve the problem?"

"I guess so," he said with a blank expression.

Later on I was even more irritated to find all of my books, cards, and other knick-knacks I had placed around the house shoved into a small corner(2X2ft) of the spare room. He has the whole house filled with his things, but I have a tiny 2X2 ft corner of a room I couldn't help but think, "He doesn't even want me here. He wants everything to be exactly the same as before I moved in. Why am I living here?"

After some time had passed he came to me to apologize for "Snapping". I told it felt like he wanted to keep everything exactly the same as before I moved in. His space. His cleaning schedule. His house. He walked away and got the check I wrote him for this month’s rent and told me that I could "have it back."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked.

"I am not kicking you out, but Obviously we can't live together."

I gave him the check back but he hasn't said a word to me since. So here I am at a crossroads: to stay or to go...

Have you ever been traveling along your personal life's journey when all of the sudden you realize you have no idea where you are? Or even worst, who you are? You know you made several choices along the way; several deliberate turns. But somewhere along the trail you got lost.

Some days I cannot help but stop and wonder: Whose life am I living? Where did I go? I feel as though I have lost complete control of my own life... How in the world can that even happen?